New Street, November.
There is a parade of naff wooden huts filled with tat. The scene is illuminated by gaudy, bright, coloured bulbs. A man in a suit is eating a hotdog, next to him a guy who looks like a bad Dave Grohl impersonator is furiously taking notes.
In the foreground, a family done up against the cold: the woman says “I thought they’d shut the winter wonderland down” and the man says “Well they should — it really is crap”.
Their two children are crying.
Mr John Lewis who is head of Birmingham, has decided that we should spend £150,000 on an advertising campaign all about Greater Birmingham. It seems the marketing people have been taking their cue from Mr Lewis’s other business — as we can see from this leaked script.
Stuck for a present? Why not try the new Birmingham: It’s Not Shit the book, or 101 Things Birmingham Gave the World.
From: Andy.Street@greaterbrumminghamlep.com
To: Andre.De.Jong@zaphiks.in
Re: Christmas
1st October 2014 11:01
Hi Andy,
Please find attached first script ideas for the Greater Birmingham campaign DRTV. I feel there may be a lack of Black Country in it — can you discuss with Walsall Council? We could swap Roy Wood for Noddy?
Need a URL for response on the end plate – do you talk to Capita or do I?
Greater Birmingham Winterval Advert
EXT NIGHT: YELLOW LIGHT, AND SNOW, DRIFTS ACROSS THE INNER RING ROAD BY ALPHA TOWER
UKELELE VERSION OF MR. BLUE SKY WITH A WHIMSICAL VOCAL BY NATALIE POWERS OF SCOOCH. It should take a while for people to go “ah that’s what it is.”
A SMALL BOY IN A PEAKY BLINDERS HAT IS WALKING THROUGH TOWN
THE SEA LIFE CENTRE, SAD PENGUINS STARE THROUGH SMEARED GLASS AT AN EMPTY BUCKET, BLOOD STAINS ON THE TILED FLOOR
THE CANAL BEHIND THE MAILBOX IS FROZEN – THERE IS SOME DISCARDED ONE SHOW BRANDING POKING THROUGH
HE STRUGGLES THROUGH THE GERMAN MARKET, THE GERMANS ARE DISMANTLING IT AND SOGGY WURST IS EVERYWHERE ON THE PAVEMENT.
HE GOES TO CAFÉ BLEND BUT IT HAS BEEN TURNED INTO STARBUCKS, A SUBWAY, AN OFFICE OF NEWS INTERNATIONAL AND THE JEREMY CLARKSON FAN CLUB HEAD OFFICE.
TRAFFIC IS BACKED UP FOR MILES, OUTSIDE A CLOSED QUEENSWAY TUNNEL.
SNOBS IS BOARDED UP – THERE’S A LOST LOOKING INDIE KID SITTING OUTSIDE. IN THE BACKGROUND A BULLDOZER ROLLS TOWARDS PARADISE CIRCUS.
HE SHUFFLES PAST BIG JOHNS AND UP PAST SMALL HEATH PARK, THE SWINGS ARE PADLOCKED UP FOR THE NIGHT, SOMEONE’S CHUCKED THE LIFE-RING IN THE BOATING LAKE AGAIN, BUT ZOOM OUT, DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE A CHRISTMAS WREATH?
THE GARRISON PUB LOOKS A CLOSED AS EVER, PLASTIC ST. GEORGE BUNTING FRAYS FROM THE GUTTERING.
BUT THEN HE HEARS SOMETHING INSIDE – AND PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN ANYWAY…
WE SLOW DISSOLVE INTO HIS POV AS THE SCENE INSIDE IS REVEALED:
THE GARRISON TAVERN IS DECKED OUT IN LATIF’S FINEST XMAS DECS – IT’S A HAPPY CHRISTMAS LOCK-IN.
JAMELIA IS BEHIND THE BAR WITH CLAIRE SHORT – BOTH IN SAUCY BARMAID CHIC.
MARTIN SHAW IS PLAYING CLUEDO WITH TREVOR EVE, AND IS THAT KOJAK AS THE REV. GREEN ON THE CARD? IT SURELY IS.
BOB WARMAN AND NICK OWEN ARE ON THE QUIZ MACHINE, SUZANNE VIRDEE IS TRYING TO SEE OVER THEIR SHOULDERS BUT SHE’S TOO SHORT – SHE THRUSTS HER ARM BETWEEN THEM TO PRESS THE CORRECT ANSWER – “WHO WAS THE NEWSHOUND? A) OSCAR B) CHIPPER”
STAN COLLYMORE THROWS SOME SCRATCHINGS FROM THE BAR TO ANOTHER PUNTER – TREVOR FRANCIS – WHO TAKES THEM OFF HIS CHEST AND BOUNCES THEM OVER STEVE BRUCE WHO ROLLS HIS EYES TO A GRINNING DWIGHT YORKE. FAT RON COMES THROUGH THE HATCH BEHIND THE BAR – HE’S THE LANDLORD, HIS SHIRT STRETCHES OVER HIS GUT – HE NODS APPROVINGLY AND SWITCHES THE KARAOKE MACHINE ON.
THE PISSED OLD CHAP AT THE CORNER TABLE, YELLOWING BRMB T-SHIRT, WITH A PINT OF MILD AND A PLASTIC BAG OF VEG SPILLING OUT TURNS OUT TO BE A SMILING MIKE WHITBY. THE DOG AT HIS FEET IS THE SPIT OF THE ONE FROM WOOF!
SATNAM RANNA AND MALKIT SINGH WALK THROUGH THE DOOR. A COUNCIL PR (PLAYED BY SOMEONE FROM DOCTORS IF AVAILABLE) SURREPTITIOUSLY PUTS UP A SIGN THAT SAYS ‘WINTERVAL’ OVER A POSTER THAT SAYS ‘CHRISTMAS’ AND THEN GIVES THEM BOTH A WARM HUG.
THERE’S A SAD REFLECTIVE MOMENT AS NEIL MORRISSEY PAUSES AND RAISES A SILENT TOAST TO A PHOTO OF MICHAEL ELPHICK AS BOON FRAMED ON THE WALL.
CHRIS TARRANT AND SALLY JAMES ARE OBVIOUSLY AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE – IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE BICKERING, HE BRINGS OVER A G’N’T AND SAYS ‘BUT WE DON’T WANT TO GIVE YOU THAT’ – SHE LAUGHS AND IT’S ALL OK.
MARK ROGERS IS ABOUT TO DO THE KARAOKE – HE’S DOING DON’T YOU WANT ME BY THE HUMAN LEAGUE.
LAWRENCE OUT OF FELT IS ‘MINESWEEPING’ DRINKS FROM THE TABLES, FAT RON CATCHES HIM BY THE SHOULDER – SHAKES HIS HEAD BUT INSTEAD OF CHUCKING HIM OUT GIVES HIM A PINT OF BREW XI.
DIGBY JONES IS WRAPPING PRESENTS TO PUT UNDER THE TREE: A TOASTER, A KETTLE, SEVERAL HUNDRED COPIES OF 101 THINGS BIRMINGHAM GAVE THE WORLD.
THERE’S A BIG OLD SING SONG ROUND THE PIANO, ROY WOOD IS DRESSED AS SANTA, WITHOUT LOOKING CREEPY HE BECKONS SMALL BOY TO JOIN THEM. THEM IS WHOEVER WE CAN GET: ONE OF THE CAMPBELL BROS. TURNS TO CAMERA — NO WAIT IT’S ALL THREE, AND THE REST OF UB40 ALL MATEY, ADIL RAY AS MR KHAN, JOAN ARMATRADING, DAVE HILL FROM SLADE, APACHE INDIAN, ALBERT BORE, MARTIN MULLANEY, SUE LAWLEY, PROBABLY KING MALL THE DHOL PLAYER AS IT’S HARD TO GET HIM NOT TO TURN UP ANYWAY, PAUL HENRY – IN HIS HAT IF HE CAN BE PERSUADED, THE SAXOPHONE GUYS – YOU KNOW THE ONE OUT OF THE BEAT AND THE JAZZ ONE, IAN LAVENDER IN HIS PRIVATE PIKE VILLA SCARF, ROLAND GIFT, STEPHEN DUFFY & SIMON LE BON WITH ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER. DION DUBLIN IS TRYING TO GET GEEZER BUTLER TO PLAY A DUBE CUBE.
LES ROSS AND ED DOOLAN – SADLER AND WALDORF STYLE (CLOSE AS WE CAN GET WITHOUT COPYRIGHT PROBLEMS) – ARE SITTING TOGETHER NODDING.
LES ROSS:
There’s nothing like a good old greater Birmingham sing-song
ED DOOLAN:
And this is nothing like a –
HE IS CUT OFF BY TONY BUTLER PUTTING A – FESTIVE – BUCKET ON HIS HEAD
BACK TO THE CROWD – IT’S NOW GETTING TO THE END OF THE SONG, THE SAD BIT
JEFF LYNNE TURNS TO CAMERA FROM PIANO STOOL – HE’S PLAYING MR BLUE SKY NOW – AND WINKS
END CAPTION – IN BASKERVILLE:
Wish it could be THIS Christmas every day?
It can in GREATer BIRMINGHAM
As leaked to Jonathans Bounds & Hickman, Julia Gilbert and Tom Lennon.
Visit the Paradise Circus Online shop.
In this new story by Alex Wyatt, a man and woman get more than they bargained for on a night out in the second city.
Dark.
Darkshining outside and everywhere.
Dark through windows, alleyways and doors. Arm-in-arm, couples stroll steambreathed down Bennett’s Hill’s rainsmoothed cobbles. On Saturday, the day when the word is given. Some head home into light, into electric arms. Away from the grip of the dark.
Some.
Some hold firm in the clench.
The Lost and Found.
Sutton Coldfield is abuzz today with people asking if this piece of graffiti is a genuine Banksy, and others saying “don’t be fucking stupid why would he do that on the back of the Bank of Cyprus?” and yet others saying “You what love? Graffiti? I don’t hold with that sort of thing” and then banging on about when Birmingham took over in the 1970s.
Banksy is a street artist known for producing politically provocative pieces in a distinctive style that can be easily reproduced. If this is a Banksy piece, just what does he mean by the image of a peace dove flying towards a small child playing volleyball? Is it a comment on Sutton’s struggles for independence, like when he did a bit in Palestine?
In our super picture quiz we ask how well you know street art by asking you: is it a Banksy?
Here are six pieces of street art from around Birmingham – some better known than others – the challenge is to guess which one is a Banksy. Click reveal for the answers.
How many of them did you get? Tell us with the hashtag #srslyitsnotabanksy
Continue reading “Picture Quiz No. 2: I don’t know if it’s a Banksy but I like it”
Due to the unique way that Service Birmingham’s email security systems are funded, this correspondence about the Council’s festive plans has somehow been CC’d to us. It’s just nice to see that they actually plan things.
From: Albert.bore@bham.gov.uk
To: Jurgen.Beckenbauer@germanmarket.de
Re: Das Markt
1st October 2014 11:01
Dear Jurgen,
I hope this finds you well. I’m conscious that it’s October and that we will shortly need to begin the process of planning for this year’s German Market. So we can get the ball rolling at our end I’d like to hear some your ideas for new product lines for 2014 that reflect changes in local and national culture and events.
As you know, the council are facing a dire financial situation so I’d be particularly pleased to hear of ways you plan to boost revenue this year.
Kind regards,
Albert
Continue reading “The longest German Market planning email thread in Europe”
In our super picture quiz we ask how well you know Birmingham’s landmarks and whether you can recognise them from an image taken from Google UnderEarth and at least six foot under.
Here are six famous Birmingham buildings and sites – some better known than others, the challenge is to see how many of these landmarks you recognise. Click reveal for the answers.
How many of them did you get? Tell us with the hashtag #brumfrombelow
For the people visiting the Tory Party Conference in Birmingham this week, our city’s marketeers are offering a fact pack which includes “15 IN 15” (their unusual “public relations” “quotes”): 15 things about Birmingham in 2015. We’ve noticed that it’s 2014, actually, so for Tories and political journalists up for a jolly (have you seen how to write an article about Brum by the way?) here are 14 things you should know about the city whose lap dancing bars you’ll be in for the next few days:
Continue reading “Birmingham: 14 in 14 for the Tory Party Conference”
I’m Howard. I’m part of this here Birmingham miscellany called Paradise Circus – an ongoing love letter to a battered city. Paradise Circus writes, films, photographs, draws, makes and records things about Birmingham. I am, we are, Jon Bounds and Jon Hickman, Craig Hamilton and Danny Smith, and a number of other people who want to contribute to a conversation about what the city is, was, and could be. We weren’t always Paradise Circus and we used to be famous. We could have been contenders, but we threw it all away. You should too. And in this article, originally published on Contributoria (CC licensed), I’m going to tell you why.
As part of our making our 101 Things Birmingham Gave the World book, we promised to make an ‘album’ – an album of 101 songs that Birmingham gave the World.
Our rules were simple — the songs couldn’t have existed in this form without the city of Birmingham. That means Brummie songwriters, musicians, instruments, recording studios or subjects. Where the connections are a little more tangential, well we’ll let you work those out, and you can hassle us and each other in the comments. The other rule: it had to be on Spotify, so no Funky Moped, or Brummie moptops The Beatles.
We’re not saying that it’s the best 101 songs that Birmingham has produced*, but it’s a fantastic 6 hour listen — and of course it will finish with Mr Blue Sky.
101 Songs Birmingham Gave The World: Now that’s what I call Paradise Circus.
See the full 101 rundown here:
In a park with a sign saying “Moseley Folk Festival”. One of those black-face Morris dancers from Kings Heath is talking to a security guard of African descent in a high-viz jacket with “security” on the back. The security guard is saying: “so you couldn’t find any actual black people at this festival then?”
