Author: Howard Wilkinson

Director of Satire, Paradise Circus. Howard adds stability at the top, taking a strategic overview of operations whilst also stepping in from time to time in a caretaker author role.

Dadsploitation

Big Daddy

It’s Father’s Day (or Fathers’ Day? I can never remember where the apostrophe goes) in a few weeks time, which means that the petrol station forecourts are dusting down the point of sale unit for that staple gift: the dadsploitation album.

What’s a dadsploitation album?

It’s a NOW album but from THEN, a compilation that makes no real sense except for the fact that it is MUSIC TO DRIVE TO. Because we all know that dads love cars and dads love driving but most of all dads love driving in cars listening to classic rock. And who can blame them? After all, few things are as exhilarating as blasting Thunder Road at full volume whilst stuck on the M6 somewhere near Stoke.

In a way Birmingham invented the dadsploitation album, by way of inventing the petrol station as a place for forgetful children to panic buy gifts and milk and sometimes petrol.

All of which is a clumsy way of saying it’s time for you to buy your old man a copy of 101 Things Gave The World — from Amazon or from B-Town stockists Library of Birmingham, Symphony Hall and the Coffin Works (they won an award last night, you should go visit them).

Most people liked it but just in case your dad gets upset by the inaccuracies (we call them “jokes”) or finds chapter 23 awful we’ll throw in a free dadspolitation album packed with 101 of his favourite Brummie driving tracks.

Rock on Daddy.

Image of Big Daddy allegedly CC Paul Townsend but I don’t think that will stand up in court

 

The Paradise Circus B-Town emergency plate

In B-Town the streets are paved with food: that’s why modern-day Dicks are walking from London to seek their fortune. But they don’t really have seem to have heard of plates.

We want food on a plate
We don’t want it served on slate
We don’t want salad on a trowel
No wow to planks, boards or towels

No chips in a tiny model Rotunda
Or faggots and pays served in a guzunder
We don’t want food in a sieve
To that be quite vituperative

We don’t want food made into a mockery
So please be vigilant — always carry crockery.

So we present the official Paradise Circus B-Town emergency commemorative plate:

Continue reading “The Paradise Circus B-Town emergency plate”

101 Things Birmingham Gave The World. No. 71: Top Gear

Amid the hoo-ha around the fracas, it’s easy to overlook that the current brooha-ha is the result of Birmingham’s influence. Yes, Birmingham invented the mechanisms of modern TV, yes, Birmingham was responsible for the growth of the motor car, and yes Birmingham has made Jeremy Clarkson more upset about concrete than a patsy who’s about to take a swimming lesson from the mafia. But we have an even more direct role in the ding-dong than that, because way back in 1977, just after we invented The Star Wars, Birmingham invented Top Gear.

Those clamouring for a more serious, Reithian, look at the automobile industry need only to look back at the first series: hosted by a woman — Angela ‘Short Fat Hairy Legs’ Rippon no less — it featured endless investigations into safety, re-run after re-run of colour-bleached footage of crash test dummies. The dummies drove cars, they drove them fast, and they said very little: it was a time of equality, it was a time of wit. It was a time that Big Centre TV and their flagship Land Rovers Live are harking back to today. But, if possible, with more stilted presenters.

Continue reading “101 Things Birmingham Gave The World. No. 71: Top Gear”

Paradise City – the best email newsletter in our Greater Birmingham!

There are too many negative satirical and cynical voices in Birmingham – join us to celebrate the wow, the positive, the top choices we’ve all made to be in the global city with the big heart of England!

With all the new developments we’re being involved with, with all the independence our council, the hyperlocal media in partnership with the Post and Mail, and various quasi non-governmental organisations are supporting, with all the impact we can have when we come together — we live in Paradise. And we get great cake! LOL.

Sign up now for Paradise City – the weakly freemium email that is always first with the big cultural news!

Wow, Birmingham!

We’ll never spam you, sell your email address, or ever bother to send an issue, probably.

Paradise City - Super, smashing, Greater Birmingham!

See an sample issue:

Continue reading “Paradise City – the best email newsletter in our Greater Birmingham!”

AFC Cadbury’s: how we’ll save chocolate

It’s a perfect storm, and it spells doom for the old Cadbury’s but not for chocolate.

It was inevitable that “they’d” say that Brummie chocolate makers were slow and lazy and needed some shaking up, and so now they have, with Cadbury-Kraft-Monorail or whatever they’re called announcing that they’re getting rid of 200 chocolate makers from Bournville over the next two years. And they’re shoving 100,000 sheets in their pocket on the way out the door.

The day before this we found out that the bastards changed the Creme Egg recipe too, and that’s caused an almighty stink. Turns out we sold the farm and it’s all gone wrong.

Well here’s a thought. There are 200 people leaving Cadbury’s with £100k each. That’s a small battalion of Oompa Loompahs with £2million between them, turfed out onto the street right next to Stirchley, the pop-up food centre of the universe, where the rents are cheap and the confidence is high. If just one of them set up an artisan chocolatier we could be on the way to recovering our heritage. £100k must go a long way in Stirchley. This could really work. Imagine if they teamed up. Real Creme Eggs, real chocolate, owned by Brummies and nearer the pubs. I give you: The Chocolate Quarter.

Down the road in Bournville, they’ll whither on their vine, cutting corners and costs and hiding behind their brand but in Stirchley our rough diamonds will bring the romance back to Milk Tray.

AFC Cadbury: real Roy of the Rovers stuff. But with chocolate.

Satirical Cartoon: saving the new library

A cabinet meeting in the Council House – there’s a sign above the desk that tells us this. The table is filled with nondescript aging men in suits.

We are looking over one man’s shoulder at a clipboard with a list on it in a suitable handwriting font.

The list is headed ‘Library Partnership/Begging Shortlist’ and says:

British Library – they don’t know who we are (crossed out)

Genting – already have NEC Arena (crossed out)

Central Library – turns out we had it knocked down (crossed out)

Wickes – Plus point:: ladders? (this is also underlined in red pen)

Doug Ellis – he does like his name on things

Malala – you get about a million for the Nobel prize (may have spent on sweets)

Davenports – closed?

Cockburn’s – ??

The caption reads ‘Any port in a storm’.

15 brummies whose best work is already behind them in 2015

Babu collects the Brummie of the Year in 2005 and then stops being interesting
Babu collects the Brummie of the Year in 2005 and then stops being interesting

Everyone else is doing a ’15 for 2015′ listicle so why can’t we? Here’s the 15 best brummies who have really let themselves go.

  1. Paradise Circus
    Not funny anymore: 2014’s satirical cartoon review of the year about wheelie bins did not hit the heights of the one about wheelie bins from earlier in the year.
  1. David Harewood
    Axed from Homeland, now likes London for a living.
  1. Jasper Carrott
    Bring back that sitcom with the disabled kid, or go home, Jasper.

Continue reading “15 brummies whose best work is already behind them in 2015”

Have a Brutal 2015

Brutal 2015

We’ve already signed off for the holidays but we know that some of you are still in the office today — after all, there’s no work to do and the boss will let you go home at 12 in any case so it’s basically a free day off and only a mug would take it as holiday.

Well anyway, as you’re the sort of person who is in the office on Christmas Eve we figured you’re also the sort of person who has left shopping a bit late — after all, you’re getting out of work at lunchtime so you can just grab stuff on the way home; what’s all the fuss about, right?

If you are still shopping, and if you’re at the office with nothing to do, why not print off a few copies of our FREE 2015 calendar? Elliott Brown tirelessly snaps photos of all things Brum, and he uploads them to Flickr under a Creative Commons license so we’ve nabbed 12 photos of Brummie Brutalism for this calendar.

We hope you like it, but if you need more gift ideas here’s our handy last minute shopping guide.

Download the calendar (PDF – 28mb)

 

Birmingham’s Christmas round robin 2014

RoundRobin2014

 

Dear (Greater) Manchester,

Season’s greetings! And so happy to hear that your little administrative family has extended this year. We are too trying to build the brood, but despite a lot of temperature taking and effort all rounds the patter of teeny tiny Black Country boroughs has yet to happen. Still – it’s fun trying!

We’ve had a mixed bag of a 2014 – I was feeling much more chipper after a little bit of cosmetic surgery ‘down there’, but the latter half of the year has been us moving from one financial worry to the next.

First off, little Mike Whitby had a party while we were away and all sorts of undesirable types must have seen it on Facebook and gatecrashed. How else would you explain all those red trousers in Birmingham, we know Little Mike doesn’t know anybody like that: unless he’s fallen in with a bad lot saints he started spending all that time in London. The police had to be called, they closed off Broad St(!) and it cost a fortune: that was all our entertaining budget gone.

We had to sell our little summer place in Solihull, which was a wrench, although we mainly used to rent it out on a timeshare basis. Some of the people that we’ve had in were awful, we stated no dogs but you should have seen the amount of hair and unmentionables left in March! We’re well rid of it.
Continue reading “Birmingham’s Christmas round robin 2014”

Brum’s best TV-theme pubs

An enterprising young chap has just re-opened Dale End dog-hole Saramoons as a theme bar: The Peaky Blinder. Despite now being much less likely to have any real gangsters in, it seems to have been a popular move — but did you know it was joining a proper crawl of pubs already themed around Birmingham-based TV shows?  Come with us and get smashed responsibly, in Brum’s best fictional boozers.

The Fox & Grapes, Birmingham City Centre

Coming soon: The Citizen Khan. Pic cc Roger Marks

The Boon (series 1-3 only) – Formerly Bassett’s Pole Harvester, staff at The Boon (series 1-3 only) are all dressed as has been bikers with ruddy cheeks and even more ruddy noses. There’s plenty of parking for your own motorbike outside and the country vistas offer nice sunsets to ride off into. Hi ho silver!

The Pebble Mill at One – With staff in friendly jumpers, and music on the easy side, The Pebble Mill at One is a pub from a gentler time, which will forever have afternoon closing. Open at one, and shut up again at two — just in time for your nap.

The Crossroads – actually a chain, The Crossroads is a new concept for the pubs you find inside a Travelodge or other budget hotel. “These spaces feel like you’re actually in the wobbly set of a pub and not a real pub” brand expert André De Jong, whose agency Zaphiks developed the concept, told us. “Drinking in our The Crossroads bar is more like drinking in a metaphor” he said, before explaining something complicated about the social graph. “Also they’re actually inside motels?” we asked. Andre just looked confused.

The Rosie & Jim – Genial landlord John steers this canalside boozer with a steady hand on the tiller but that’s not his real job. Ladies, try the salad. Stop laughing. Sister bar The Brum opens in 2015.

The Tiswas – The various bars at the Custard Factory have struggled for identity and solvency for many years but now one licensee is betting on TV nostalgia to keep him afloat. You can sing the famous Bucket of Water Song as you use the downstairs bogs.

The Gangsters – Themed around the ‘70s with a hint of crimplene, Benson and Hedges and danger, there has been little change since it was The Yenton.

The The One Show – Recently closed and moved to London.

The Central News – have the slops left by the other programmes a day later, round the back of Broad St.

The Hustle – a slick bar like they have in that London, but see if you can spot the tell tale Brummie signs — yep that’s a Brew XI tap over there, behind the Veuve Clicquot ice buckets. In a suspiciously empty street around Colmore Row.