Christmas Market Jokes to Continue Despite COVID 19

For Immediate Release 

Paradise Circus is saddened to hear that there will be no German Christmas Market in 2020 but has vowed to continue in their annual tradition of poking fun at the “well-loved” institution.

As such we are announcing, today, that we will continue making the same jokes about Birmingham’s Christmas Market but in a COVID safe manner including:

  • Regular hand-washing using soap from one of 27 identical fancy soap stalls
  • Order the joke direct to you using our app, currently being built by Capita
  • Second-best track and trace in Europe so we can try to locate every current line up of UB40
  • We will make sure the hundreds of identical stalls selling polished rocks in our jokes are spaced out

We are very sorry that due to the required hygiene protocols you will no longer be able to return the joke at the end of the evening to get back your deposit, instead, you can keep it as a souvenir.

During these unprecedented times we will be pleased to serve you from a limited menu of other jokes from our repertoire, which have also been prepared in line with current advice:

  • You can now go up the Ackers so long as you are in your social bubble 
  • You may not blow trumpets, whether they are our own or not
  • That picture of Albert Bore and the clock but photoshopped so they’re further apart 

Our popular book with 101 of our best jokes is available for takeaway orders only.

Jokes about Andy Street’s absolute failure to tackle homelessness and reduce the number of rough sleepers will be suspended completely. Because it’s not funny. It’s really not. (You can help with a donation to a local charity, maybe?) 

Please be patient with us at this difficult time, and kindly remain 2 metres from Twitter when reading our jokes.

Now, more than ever, it is important we find King Kong and embrace the new normal.

101 Things Birmingham Gave the World. No. 98: Israel, and tensions in the Middle East


Of all the things Birmingham has given the world – there’s more than 101 – nothing provides a glow of pride quite like the bloodshed in the Middle East.

At the close of the 19th century, an area known as Palestine was home to Arabs, Muslims, Christians and Jews, who lived among each other in relative harmony. True, the banter got a bit lively on the local newspaper’s forum but it wasn’t an accurate reflection of how well the various people got along.

Continue reading “101 Things Birmingham Gave the World. No. 98: Israel, and tensions in the Middle East”

People hear two different things from the same audio clip and the internet is going bananas

If you haven’t already, listen to this audio recording right now.



What do you hear?

Some people hear the name of the car race that was held on the streets of Birmingham city centre in the 80s, where as some hear the Mayor of the West Midlands – who has been spending time trying to bring the car race back rather than doing, y’know, anything useful like tackling homelessness in the city – being insulted.

If you heard the second answer, you’re technically correct. Apparently it’s all due to your hearing, and gullibility. It’s like that other thing on the internet where some people hear the word ‘laurel’, which you might win for winning a car race, and ‘pranny’, which you might be if you where an elected official and spent your time working on vanity projects rather than sorting out the people who are homeless, or hungry in your area. #WMGeneration

Satirical cartoon: Carillion and Chamberlain Square

Two council officials, in hi-vis vests and hard hats stand outside a locked building site. You know the council officials are Council officials as it says BIRMINGHAM CITY COUNCIL OFFICIAL on their hi-vis where it would say ‘Beckham’ if it was a late ‘90s No 7 Manchester United replica kit.

You know it’s locked building site as it says that on a poster across the way in. ‘Closed due to liquidation of contractor’ it says.
One official is reading the paper. It has a paragraph which reads…

“One Chamberlain Square will be eight storeys tall and is due for completion in summer 2019 when financial services firm PwC, which is handling the liquidation of Carillion, will move in.”

No caption is needed as this is the perfect satire of late-capitalism already.

Break the Brum listed building code

Signs and symbols used as a code to mark listed buildings in Birmingham before a suspicious fire or a demolition order have been revealed, and now ‘experts’ have explained how to protect yours. Look out for these drawing on walls, doors and even bins outside your property.

Some indicate that it’s not worth the effort of battling local opinion, others that they may be a prime target.

Do they know it’s bin day? We release charity single in support of bin strikers

Last bin day, we went out to see if the bags had been collected outside PC towers and instead found a package addressed to us. It contained the master tape for a song with more hooks than we have different types of bins to sort our recycling into. No other details were provided, it’s like the bin made a record. So we’re putting it out, and leaving it out.

(I’ve Lost All My Respect For You) Since the Bin-Men Went On Strike is the first release on Paradise Circus Records.

The way the strike has been covered in the media has created a bit of a bad smell with a lot of rubbish spoken, recycled with dumb opinions all over social media. No-one goes on strike lightly, it’s always a last resort for workers to give up pay to protest, and we felt that they needed to hear that a lot of Brummies appreciate how hard they work to keep our city clean and the collections safe.

Without our refuse workers things have wheely bin bad, and that shows how much we need them. We hope the single is picked up, and makes a clean sweep in the charts.

The single is on sale on iTunes, everywhere else you can buy digital music, and you can stream it on Spotify.

All proceeds will be donated to the union strike fund.

Support the Brum Bin Strikers on Facebook.

Up the charts, up the workers!

Last Week Tonight on tomorrow: how John Oliver could get out the vote in Erdington

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver host John Oliver is known for his viral TV rants about American politics, where he plays on his English outsider status to take pot-shots at President Trump, or ‘Drumpf’ as he’s christened him.

In a startling turnaround this week he moved closer to home—and spoke out on Brummie politics. He explained the electoral position in the UK and then launched into a routine all about the battle for the Birmingham Erdington seat in tomorrow’s election. For one reason or another—maybe the US public wasn’t ready to hear Oliver’s take on Cllr Robert Alden, or maybe censorship, or is it all fake news?—it never made it to the screen. But we have obtained a transcript…

Take my home town of Erdington, it’s supposed to be a safe Labour seat—that’s the Democrats, slightly angrier in worse clothes, but essentially the good guys—but it has become a marginal.

Or so the British media tells us. You can only really trust them to report two things: what’s on TV that evening, and that, yes, Pippa Middleton has indeed got a bottom.

But if it is now close in Erdington in Birmingham, this seems to be down to the personalities involved.

On the one hand, Jack Dromey a former union big wig who’s sort of semi-retired into being a Labour MP. On the other, Robert Alden who for some reason doesn’t seem to have ever had a proper job… almost as though his Dad was the Mayor and his mum is a councillor and wannabe MP too. Young Bobby has spent a lot of time in Erdington casting himself as the local compassionate conservative: all saving the bees, worrying about the environment, and opposing the opening of businesses and community centres which just happen to be run by immigrants.

So Dromey is a Labour guy from down south who got the gig for good behaviour, while Alden is a Tory who has put himself about the place fussing about bins and having photos taken cleaning up alleyways. And fair play to him. Have you seen some of the Erdington alleyways? I often saw them from the inside of those bins, where I was hiding from the local toughs after school. So, in some way thanks Bobby for keeping somewhere open for nerds to hide—after your lot closed all the youth clubs and cut the police.

You see the point is this: a vote for Robert Alden is a vote for the Conservative government. That’s the same conservative government who have forced cuts onto Birmingham Council—the same cuts which, as the leader of the local Conservative group in the council, Alden claims to oppose.

Now, Jack Dromey may look like a squashed cauliflower  on top of a Burton’s window mannequin

but he’s about as likely to change his mind – he’s tribal labour, it’s all in the family,  and that means attempting the best for normal people. Some people on the doorstep object to Jack because he’s married to Labour grandee Harriet Harman, like he’s some sort of cuck, and as though Bobby’s mom isn’t going to pick his ties out for him.

It’s like you’re being offered a choice between a grown man in a Lion King wig who’ll treat your public services like a fucking hyena and the volleyball from Castaway, who at least will vote the right way with Tom Hanks.

Alden thinks he’s Simba but actually he’s Timon and Pumbaa distracting you while Theresa May sneaks in to steal your kids’ lunches.

Animal caste systems are no basis for a system of government, and neither is hereditary councillorship. But in England it’s often the circle of life, in this case the Kingstanding Circle of life if you will.

Pauses for laugh but doesn’t get one

[aside] Kingstanding Circle is a place in Erdington, in Birmingham in Eng- aww, never mind

Oh, and one more thing—at the end of The Lion King Simba basically wins because it rains. No matter what the weather is like on June 8th, get out and vote—vote for the volleyball, vote for Harriet Harman’s husband, vote with Jeremy Corbyn, vote for the many not the few, for an Erdington with a future.

Hakuna Matata: it means No tories.

The last word on the Street: The Paradise Circus view on the WM mayor election

You may not think a mayor of the West Midlands is a good thing.

We’re getting one on Thursday anyway.

Andy Street, right.

The mayor might not yet have all the powers we need to take back that control from Westminster, the devolution deal might not be a real deal for the people of the region. But the mayor will have powers, they’ll have influence, they’ll represent you to the country and the world – and they’ll do that soon after the close of polls on 4th May.

There will be choice on your ballot paper, and the choice will be between someone on the side of central government and someone who isn’t.

Is central government policy working for Birmingham and the West Midlands? A glance around at the people sleeping on the streets, the closed libraries, the lengthening hospital waiting lists say it isn’t.

Continue reading “The last word on the Street: The Paradise Circus view on the WM mayor election”

Royal flush: Sutton’s town council awash with sponds

an old Royal Town signSutton has a Town council, they were even elected and everything rather that just being the last people propping up the bar at Moor Hall golf club when the motion was passed. The town had a referendum to set it up and allow them to add an additional charge to council tax in the ‘royal town’ – they get £1.8 million a year to spend.

But so far they’re struggling to find things to spend it on. They’ve decided to spunk invest half a million on a ‘CBSO play songs from the adverts concert in Sutton Park’—including ways to keep people without B72-76 postcodes out—but still £1.3 million remains. With the financial year end approaching from behind there are rumours of wolves circling with things like ‘civic wifi plans’ that will cost almost exactly the right amount.

We reckon there are better options. This is what £1.3 million could buy the residents of Sutton:

  • Two cursed restaurants:
  • 130,000 Freddos (pre-Brexit prices):
    • In Sutton Coldfield they have both types of conservatism—big and small c. In an independent Sutton Coldfield children will be able to play football in the streets, you’ll be able to leave your front door open, and Freddos will only ever cost 10p. The town could afford to buy a lot of them with £1.3m and then control the retail price through subsidy. Only two school children will be allowed in the shop at any time.
  • Schools:
    • £1.3m will go a long way to overturn the local effects of national spending cuts. If you just look at one of Sutton’s secondaries, Arthur Terry School, you’re looking at a drop of £900k over the next 2 years—and that’s just one of the town’s state funded schools. If a surplus of £1.3m could be achieved year on year it would relieve a lot of pressure—go further by not bothering with classical music concerts and lumping the whole budget on the children.
  • A wall around Perry Common:
    • Possible disadvantages will include poor stock levels on the shelves at Tesco New Oscott when people can’t get to work, but Ocado does deliver to all Sutton postcodes.
  • 10 buy-to-lets in Erdington
  • Harry Redknapp’s dog’s wages at Blues
  • A new ornate entrance to Sutton park for Andrew Mitchell MP,  with a smaller ‘plebgate’ next to it.
  • Libraries:
  • A shy Tory campaign in the mayoral elections: millions of leaflets, but no blue ink.
    • John Lewises’ Andy Street has spent over a million so far on leaflets to every corner of the West Midlands in order to make cash pay in getting the job of Mayor. Scared of being held to account for the record of the Tories in Brum and Westminster he’s mostly been trying to pass himself off as a green or independent candidate: even in his letters to residents in Solihull where being a Tory is usually considered a plus.
  • 260 biggest rabbits in the World.  
    • (Delivery not included) but they only have to come from Barnt Green.

Too shy Tory, hush hush

Apologies to Conservative (yes, who knew?) mayoral candidate Andy ‘Mr John Lewises’ Street for this image macro. In a previous version we originally suggested the Tories had cut £.13bn from councils in the West Midlands Combined authority. The actual figure is at least ten times that at £1.3bn.

£1.3bn which — ironically for a campaign that is ‘shy Tory’ — is a conservative estimate as it includes some councils only up to 2104 and excludes police, fire and health service cuts in the area.

You can see the figures here.

Please share this image and not the previous one, many thanks.