Your Local TV Christmas listings

In mid 2014 Birmingham will be getting it’s own local TV channel: City TV. Chances are that they might not make it all the way to next Christmas, so luckily we’ve been able to get a listing of their test schedule for this year…get out your highlighters now.

City TV(106 Sky, Virgin, Freeview, as if)

8am Pages from BrumFax
Selected pages from the Council’s text-based information portal that can display up to 20 words on screen. Produced by Capita at a cost of £1.2M
9am Mike Whitby’s Christmas Presents
Live* from the top of Alpha Tower, Lord Whitby gives out global presents to the local needy. There will be special guest stars including Martin Mullaney. *Not Live
10am Carols from St Martins in the Bull Ring
Join in with the traditional hymns and carols, sung by the choir of St Martins and three or four people with nothing better to do.
11am A Carrott for Christmas Dinner
Festive version of the popular City TV show where Jasper Carrott goes round to celebrities houses for his tea—it’s like Come Dine With Me without the jokes. This week Jasper plonks his golden balls at the table of ex-hockey star Jane Sixsmith.
12noon The Year They Cancelled Christmas
A morality play in which the Council cancel Christmas in case it upsets a Pakistani, Stew.
1pm Pebble Mill at One
A live webcam feed of the waste ground that’s where our city’s broadcasting heritage used to be.
1:30pm Brum’s Strongest Nan
Nans from all over the city fuelled only by a diabetic amount of Baileys, sweet sherry and rosé wine compete for the coveted title in events such as Tossing the Grandkids, Car Wrestling, and the now infamous Headbutt Duel.
2pm EastsideEnders
The everyday tale of lovable marketing types in Victoria Square. Jemima is dismayed to learn that funding for her proposal to rename Moseley as The Artisan Quarter has been rejected by the Arts Council. Will Birmingham City Council promise to do it anyway before sweeping the idea quietly under the carpet?
3pm Lord Digby Jones’s Christmas Message
The Dark Lord, and one of the Seven Crowned Princes of Hell, Mammon teaches us the true meaning of the holiday season as he speaks to people already camping out for the Boxing Day sales, live atop a pile of money and filth in The Bullring. Sponsored by Wonga.
3.10pm FILM: The Great Barr Escape
Classic war film starring Steve McQueen as ‘The Cooler King’, who escapes from his day job at Iceland Scott Arms for a pint down the Old Horns. (12)
5.30 pm Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em (Repeat)
Sitcom: Bobby Alden tries to take control of the Conservative Group on the Council, with hilarious consequences. Also starring Deirdre Alden as his mum and Rodney Bewes as his dad. 
6pm City TV News
All the latest syndicated news from around Birmingham/ Hosted by whichever ex-real TV presenter drew the short straw, probably Suzanne Virdee. Includes at 6:25pm Topless Weather, with Cllr Paul Tilsley.
6:30pm Top of the PopsDavid Kid Jenson and some bloke from Heart FM with a run down of what fizzy drinks people have been ordering from the pop man.
7pm Doctor’s Zoo Christmas Special *Paradise Circus Pick of the Day*
One of the red pandas at the Nature Centre gets a bauble lodged up its arse. Luckily Christopher Timothy has experience and gets stuck in.
8pm Top Gear: Christmas Special
Jeremy Clarkson takes the Birmingham Inner Ring Road Challenge, in a comical car. Each time he completes a circuit and fails to make an original joke about the naffness of the city, he has to pay income tax. Presented by the other two, live from Nightingales.
10:30 FILM: Lickey Hills Cop
Elected Police Commissioner Bob Price is plagued by maverick cop from out of town Axel Foly, who insists that there’s something out of the ordinary about the nighttime activity of a group known as the Muddyfunsters in Kings Heath park’s laurel bushes. (21, er 16)
12 midnight: Midnight Mass Brawl – Live from Broad Street
Hosted by Gavin from the Auto Windscreens advert, with music from The Twang.
1am Christmasy Tramp Wail Techno Lightsfest
A bloke that looks a bit like Mike Skinner creates mash-ups of all the favourite christmas hits using locally sourced records and samples collected the night before from the rough sleeping community as their inebriated singing tries to relight what little significance the season held for them. Lit majestically by the sound and light rig rescued from the last Dome nightclub refurb. Hosted by Cat Deeley.
1:30am Brum’s Hardest Pub
Chuckles presents a tour of some of Birmingham’s amusingly rough establishments. Tune in to see if the accents have got anymore Brummie in The Garrison Tavern since the days of Peaky Blinders. 
2am FILM: King Kong
A team of anthropologists go looking for King Kong sex and get rather less than they bargained for. In Penrith. (PG)
4am Pages from BrumFax
Same as 8am, but costing another £1M from Capita.

By Howard Wilkinson

Director of Satire, Paradise Circus. Howard adds stability at the top, taking a strategic overview of operations whilst also stepping in from time to time in a caretaker author role.

Director of Satire, Paradise Circus. Howard adds stability at the top, taking a strategic overview of operations whilst also stepping in from time to time in a caretaker author role.

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