Green eggs and Birming-ham

Yeah I’ve been here a while. And now I’ve got kids: brummie kids. And so I guess that makes me a brummie dad.

I was so proud the first time my eldest counted to FOIVE. Just the other day I took the kids to Sutton Park and they wanted a game of HOIDE and seek.

But it’s not all fun being a brummie dad. The other night I was reading the boys a bedtime story. It was an old favourite by Dr Seuss, but it came out all wrong:


I am Sam
…Birmingham

That Sam-I-am
From Birmingham!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am.

Do you like
food artisan?

I do not like it,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
food artisan.

Would you like it
Here or there?

I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
food artisan.
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am

Would you like it
on a slate?
Would you like it
from a grate?

I do not like it
on a slate.
I do not like it
from a grate.
I do not like it
here or there.
I do not like it
anywhere.
I do not like food artisan.
Not anywhere in Birmingham.

Would you eat it
from a box?
Would you eat it
off some rocks?

Not from a box.
Not off some rocks.
Not off a slate.
Not from a grate.
I would not eat it here or there.
I would not eat it anywhere.
I would not eat food artisan —
I’d just like some deep fried spam.

Would you? Could you?
with some foam?
Eat it! Eat it!
Take it home!

I would not,
could not,
with some foam.

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
artisanally.

I do not like food from a box.
I do not like food off of rocks.
I do not like food on a slate
I do not like food from a grate
I do not like food here or there.
I don’t like street food anywhere.
I do not like food artisan.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Say!
In Digbeth?
Here in Digbeth!
Would you, could you, in Digbeth?

I would not, could not,
in Digbeth.

Would you, could you,
on the street?

I would not, could not, on the street.
I want to sit down and rest my feet.
No food in foam, shaved parmesan.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.
Not off a slate. Not from a box.
Not from a grate. Not off some rocks.
I’ll not eat street food here or there.
I do not like it anywhere!

You do not like
food artisan?

I do not
like it,
Sam-I-am.

Could you, would you,
on brioche?

I would not,
could not.
on brioche!

Would you eat a street food dosa?

I’d rather eat chips sat on my sofa!

No burgers stuffed inside a doughnut
By a guy with a stupid haircut
And no to peas in a recycled tin can
As a side to fish served in a chip pan

I do not like food artisan
I do not like it Sam I am.

I do not like it from a box.
I do not like it from some rocks.
I will not eat it off a slate.
I will not eat it from a grate.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it ANYWHERE!

Not from a pan! Not in a mug!
Not with a foam! … FUCK OFF!

I do not like food artisan
I do not like it, Birmingham.

Recorded live at Paradise Circus Live, watch out for more events later this year.

By Jon Hickman

Jon moved to Birmingham from Guernsey in 1997. Many people are confused why. He is working hard to integrate himself. Bab. http://www.theplan.co.uk

Jon moved to Birmingham from Guernsey in 1997. Many people are confused why. He is working hard to integrate himself. Bab. http://www.theplan.co.uk

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