Nuisance phone calls: the best of the things people have rung us up to ask us

Like our emergency services, we get a lot of phone calls that we don’t really want to deal with. We’re nice about it though. But one nuisance call we got the other day really tickled us, “have you got a list of the top amusing calls that you’ve had in the past year, that will make a highly shareable piece of content for the ‘press’ while getting your message about not calling you a mention?”. “That,” we said, “we have.” And then we slammed the fucking phone down, because we were busy.

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“Is there anywhere we could get an artisan burger for brunch? None of the hyperlocal news outlets seem to have any information on this.”

“Is that the library? Do you have Great Expectations?” Well, we used to…

“I can produce tailored content for your site, in return for a link to a partner, have you anything you need writing about?

“How many jobs has the BBC created in Birmingham this week?”

“My local Labour party doesn’t need its sense of humour any more, which wheelie bin does it go in?”

“How many outlets can you have and still be an independent?

“Where did the apostrophes go?

“I’ve an important life decision to make, do you know it the chap off the Heart FM breakfast show has any inspirational advice that might be pertinent to the situation? Maybe some he’s got a screenshot of as a quote? Or if he’s had a nice meal anywhere?”

“I keep hearing that September is super, but can’t find anything more interesting than going to Banks’s in Erdington form some new school shoes. What the fuck is going on?”

“Why do you have to shit on everything that’s nice?”

“Mike Whitby has escaped, haven’t seen him for yonks. Can you help??”

“Do you have any local news, the Evening Mail seems to have run out?”

“Hotel prices in London are astronomical, where can I park my camper van?”

Is Charlie Chaplin from Birmingham?

“Can environmental health do anything about an infestation of owls?”

“Where is King Kong then?” Penrith. Obviously.

“Sir I am Nigerian Prince Capita, I have money’s that I am in need of transfer to Birmingham. Sum of £20M. For your assistance…”

“Hello I’m from the tory party and I’m up for the conference next week, is there a balti house that also has strippers as I’m pushed for time?”

“What happened to that funny hyperlocal blog that used to be around here somewhere?”

By Howard Wilkinson

Director of Satire, Paradise Circus. Howard adds stability at the top, taking a strategic overview of operations whilst also stepping in from time to time in a caretaker author role.

Director of Satire, Paradise Circus. Howard adds stability at the top, taking a strategic overview of operations whilst also stepping in from time to time in a caretaker author role.