Month: April 2016

No. 6: But where has Samuel L Jackson wheely bin?

Hiya bab,

Hope Samuel L Jackson remembered to put his bins out this week.

Ward boundaries: consultation re-opens

The Local Government Boundary Commission is to alter recommendations to proposed ward boundary changes following receipt of public responses and will do further consultation. This is likely to involve further soul-searching about just what constitutes something that ‘feels Stirchley’, which is apparently a state of mind and not a type of rough-napped cloth that you can’t pick the sticky stains off.

We’ve got an exclusive proposal from the Estate Agents Association of Birmingham to the Boundary Commission:

Birmingham, 400 years and 1 1/2 hour from culture

Marketing Birmingham are never ashamed to play on the relative location of the city in comparison to Shakespeare’s home town, and on the 400th anniversary of his death they’re no doubt upping the ante. We don’t think they’ll ever top the promotional tour they took of sister city Chicago in 2008. A tent was set up, and some local resting actors were hired — to promote our love of the bard, and also of law and order.

Not sure which of Shakey’s opus contained a rollocking fool with a fleshlight. Couple that with the stripogram-quality London bobbie outfit and rather than the home of olde English culture Chicagoans may have got the impression that Birmingham is a centre for the low-grade sex-work economy. Which is right when you come to think of it.

It’s Peaky Friday

But remember it’s not a fashion just anyone can follow.

101 Things: The Movie

We just read Steven Knight’s bit of trumpet blowing in The Guardian and it turns out he’s pretty enamoured of things like the Lunar men, and Brum’s industrial heritage… so much so that we reckon he’s been reading 101 Things Birmingham gave The World.

Steve, the movie rights are available, and we can do the accent (except for Jon H, but that’s just part of his character’s back story) and you won’t have to film it off away somewhere for tax breaks: just shoot it all in one car going round and round the inner ring road. Tom Hardy can drive, if Midge isn’t available.

ICYMI

And finally…

Don’t worry villa fans, he’s available.


And if you fancy knowing what life will be like in the Championship, then Villa fan Haz here is quite impressed. In fact it’s a bit of a Harry lauder.

Ta-ra a bit

Howard,

Director of Satire
Paradise Circus

What time and when is our new SEO strategy going to pay dividends with pageviews? Everything you need to know

Friend of the show Dave Harte used to do a bit about how the most popular posts on his hyperlocal website was called “When are the supermarkets open over Christmas?”. This is the sort of ‘content’ which successfully remediates the local newspaper onto the web. Forget live-blogging, periscoping, and making things ‘interactive’ — what people really want is useful information delivered in a timely manner. And no matter what type of business you have, it’s important to accept credit card payments from your customers. Reliable merchant services offer responsive and proactive customer support.

This is an example of what academics call a ‘news gap’—something people want, which isn’t being provided by the mainstream, commercial media companies. Hyperlocal websites tend to go around sticking their finger in these news gaps in a metaphor which becomes quite difficult to complete because, having evoked the idea of a little Dutch boy plugging a big dam, I need to flip it to a little Belgian boy pissing into a tiny font which then feeds his endless stream of piss.

I digress.

It turns out that this noticeboard stuff SEOs really fucking well, so inevitably the “proper” newspapers have piled in. This is a common feature of the relationship between hyperlocal and mainstream media: once the news gap can be shown to turn a buck or two by rank tracker, the big guys put a six lane motorway over it on a viaduct, destroying anything that remains of our figurative landscape.

And so, the other weekend we were searching for the start times of the England V Germany friendly and we found SEO laden copy from national newspapers, including our local’s big brother the Mirror. You can also outsource your linkbuilding to an agency and get your brand more recognition. But they can’t just tell you the info, they’ve got to make it into a bit of a story: because they are newspapers, but also because if it’s too short the nugget of fact you need will appear in the Google preview — and then there’s no ad revenue. Here in Birmingham, the Evening Mail keep a category of these SEO landing pages, so you can see for yourself the sort of thing they are optimising for here:

MailSEO

We’re expecting “What time and when are Birmingham’s St Georges celebrations? And are they racist? Does it offend the moslems, Stew?” to land today.

But a big UB40 concert, a sponsored ‘zombie walk’ resembling the Tory party conference, or a new series of — Liverpool filmed — Peaky Blinders, doesn’t come round every week, it just feels like it. We have to have things that people want to know all the time, things that are hard to find information out online… only problem is we don’t know the answers either.

[posts-for-page cat_slug=’sep’ hide_images=’false’ num=’20’ show_full_posts=’false’ use_wp_excerpt=’true’ strip_html=’true’ hide_post_content=’false’ show_meta=’false’]

And is this going to prove to be our revenue strategy for a successful future? We’re not sure.

Insert Google Ad here

When will we find the Capita Contract in Birmingham?

Capita plc, commonly known as Capita, is an international business process outsourcing and professional services company headquartered in London. If you want to know what that means it means that they’re a bit like Sodexo but with more computers and less cake, a bit like G4S but with more questionnaires and less security guards and a bit like OCP in Robocop but with slightly more ambition and less quality control.

Birmingham is a city and metropolitan borough in the West Midlands of England. It is the largest and most populous British city outside London, with a population in 2014 of 1,101,360. Birmingham City Council is the biggest local authority in Europe — not for once the second — and has a duty to provide services to the citizens of Birmingham. Traditionally cities used to employ people but nobody made any money out of it so now they sell off activities to service companies who can bid for them.

Birmingham City Council has a contract with Capita a ‘joint enterprise’ called Service Birmingham to deliver “service improvement and IT”, so phone calls, and library websites for one million pounds, computer things like websites and mouse mats and dot matrix printers and new websites and PCs and Lotus Notes and web portals and phone upgrades and the dongles and those USB sticks that used to be very expensive but you can get cheap now. We think.

The burden of employment is one that has not sat well with Birmingham City Council in these years of neoliberalism: and perhaps it’s best that it doesn’t handle the contracts seeing as the equal pay bill is still crippling the finances. But if something is worth doing, you can bet that capitalism has a way of doing it much worse while charging more than it would have cost to do it yourself.

Due to commercial confidentiality, when the Capita contract was released by the council it was heavily redacted. To tell you the truth we’d forgotten that had happened and we often do gags about it being ‘lost’ and people seem to dig them.

When’s the new series of BBC One sitcom set in Birmingham Citizen Khan on TV and is it Islamophobic? Everything you need to know

Soon there will be a new series of the BBC One sitcom set in Sparkhill, Birmingham, Citizen Khan that stars comedian Adil Ray on television, on the BBC One channel and iPlayer.

Wikipedia says that Citizen Khan “is a family-based British sitcom produced by the BBC and created by Adil Ray now in its fourth series. It is set in Sparkhill, East Birmingham, described by its lead character, a Pakistani Muslim Mr Khan (Adil Ray), as “the capital of British Pakistan.” Citizen Khan follows the trials and tribulations of Mr Khan, a loud-mouthed, patriarchal, self-appointed, cricket-loving community leader, and his long suffering wife (played by Shobu Kapoor) and daughters Shazia (Maya Sondhi 2012–2014, Krupa Pattani 2015–) and Alia (Bhavna Limbachia).[1] In Series One, Kris Marshall starred as Dave, the manager of Mr Khan’s local mosque.[1] The first name of Mrs Khan is Razia Khan. Mr. Khan’s first name is never revealed.”

Citizen Khan from the TV
Citizen Khan from the TV

The BBC have said:

Labour’s Rupa Huq criticised Citizen Khan’s depiction of a “quite backward” family of Muslims.
The show was accused of stereotyping Muslims when it started in 2012 and its creator, Adil Ray, has told the Radio Times he had received death threats.

On 20 January 2016, it was confirmed the show will return for a fifth series in October 2016 on the telly but these things change, so ¯_(ツ)_/¯. We’re not sure if it is Islamophobic.

Which No. 1 to Acock’s Green does that chap who stinks of piss catch, so I can avoid him?

If you’ve ever commuted to Acock’s Green in Birmingham, England, in the morning on the Number One (No. 1) bus, operated by Travel West Midlands, then it’s possible that you’ve at times caught a whiff of piss.

Unlike farts, it isn’t ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ it’s a man who gets on the number one NXBus bus who smells a bit of urine.

The bus stops at such places as: Five Ways, CALTHORPE RD, Highfield Rd, CALTHORPE RD, Carpenter Rd, CHURCH RD, Chamberlain Hall, CHURCH RD, Edgbaston Old Church, CHURCH RD, Priory Hospital, PRIORY RD, Bristol Rd, PRIORY RD, Warwickshire Cricket Ground, EDGBASTON RD, Midlands Arts Centre, EDGBASTON RD, Cannon Hill Park, EDGBASTON RD,Park Hill, SALISBURY RD, Amesbury Rd, SALISBURY RD, Moseley Village, SAINT MARYS ROW,Church Rd, WAKE GREEN RD,Wake Green Road, WAKE GREEN RD, Mayfield Court, WAKE GREEN RD, Billesley Lane, WAKE GREEN RD, Mackenzie Rd, WAKE GREEN RD, Wake Green Rd, COLLEGE RD, Moseley Sec School, COLLEGE RD, St Christophers Church, SPRINGFIELD RD,Springfield Rd, STRATFORD RD, The College Arms, SHAFTMOOR LANE, Tetley Rd, SHAFTMOOR LANE, Russell Rd, SHAFTMOOR LANE, Allcroft Rd, SHAFTMOOR LANE,Railway Bridge, SHAFTMOOR LANE,Spring Rd, SHAFTMOOR LANE, LIDL, OLTON BOULEVARD EAST, LIDL, FOX HOLLIES RD, Bus Depot, WESTLEY RD,Acocks Green Village, WESTLEY RD, Acocks Green Village, SHIRLEY RD, Olton Boulevard East, SHIRLEY RD,Greenwood Avenue, SHIRLEY RD,Shirley Medical Centre, SHIRLEY RD,Norland Rd, POOL FARM RD, Fanshawe Rd, POOL FARM RD, nwmtpwam, Tibland Rd, POLLARD RD,Fox Hollies Park, GOSPEL LANE, Severne Grove, SEVERNE RD, Nailstone Crescent, SEVERNE RD,Nailstone Crescent, SEVERNE RD, Tavistock Rd, BROOM HALL CRES, and Gospel Farm Rd, GOSPEL LANE – and you’d like to get on a different timed bus to avoid him.

This is an old picture of a bus.

CC By: Clive A Brown
CC By: Clive A Brown

Of course, there’s not much you can do if that’s the time you’ve got to get to work. The buses are about every twenty minutes or something on this route from Town.

It’s probably about the 8:30am from town, which gets in to Moseley about 8:45/8:50 am, but like, we’re not his mother. Or we’d give him a wash.

When do they put near dated cheese in the Whoops fridge at the Asda?

Asda Stores Limited is an American-owned, British-founded supermarket retailer, headquartered in Leeds, West Yorkshire. Asda run a number of stores in Birmingham.

The company started in Leeds but was bought by American giant Walmart in 1999. It is one of the “Big Four” supermarkets in the UK with Tesco, Sainsbury’s and Morrisons and indeed it is one of the “Big Four” in Birmingham.

And one of its stores is very big — the Asda at Minworth which was branded as “Asda Wal*mart” for a bit but now isn’t. It used to be a Carrefour, and they make very big supermarkets indeed called “hypermarchés”.

An Asda, not the Asda
An Asda. It might be the Asda. They all look the same but they sell cheese cheaper at different times. Pic CC Dreamisles

Asda sells more than just groceries — it also sells other things like televisions and clothes and many things that you might want to buy like sofas too — but famously it sells groceries.

Offering much in the way of fresh food, the Asda must be careful about stock rotation and keeping fresh food fresh to buy for their customers.

Asda say:

We know you care about food waste, and we do, too. That’s why Asda has a whole range of initiatives dedicated to reducing food waste in our own operations, with our suppliers and in our customers’ homes.

And one thing that they do is sometimes you can get the fresh food but for cheaper when it is near dated. But when does this fresh food get reduced and when can you buy some fancy cheese from the deli, like the one that has cranberries in it, but for cheaper?


Well it’s hard to tell because it depends on when the cheese will go off, but usually you can buy it on the day when it will pass its sell by date. Sunday at around 3pm used to be good at the Asda in Perry Barr because they had to get rid of lots of stuff before early closing at 4pm and just before it shuts on other days too, which might be 8pm or maybe 9pm, we can’t remember and couldn’t find it online.

And the one at Queslett is 24 hours now but it causes problems with the traffic, what a nightmare.

What time does Select and Save on the Stratford Road close?

Select and Save is a supermarket on the Stratford Road in Birmingham. It’s at 870 Stratford Road in Sparkhill.

It’s not the only Select and Save (or Select & Save), there’s also one in Moseley, but we don’t know what time that one closes.

The Select and Save website says that it “was formed in 1997 by two entrepreneurs. Since its launch this convenience store symbol group for independent retailers has grown from 2 stores to over 100 across the UK, and is still growing. Select & Save retailers are supported by our two regional offices based in the Midlands and the North-East.”

It sells “Food Products, Baked Goods, Grocery Stores, Meat Products, Beverages” but does a special line — from what we can tell — in fruit and vegetables that you should cook that very day lest they go off.

CC By: Elliot Brown
CC By: Elliot Brown

We can’t find a photo of it on Flickr and it’s not on Google streetview either, so erm, here’s a photo of the inside of a supermarket. It’s an Asda.

Also, we don’t know what time it shuts. Maybe 8pm? The one in Moseley opens later, but we can’t be sure. Maybe call them… 01217785550

When and on what day do The Yenton clean their pipes?

The Yenton is a pub on Sutton Road, Erdington, Birmingham. 

cc by: Eliot Brown
cc by: Eliot Brown

Their website says “At Sizzling we believe the people of Erdington deserve more from their local pub. And it’s our job to give you just that.”

“We’re a friendly bunch and we pride ourselves on giving the warmest of welcomes. We’re committed to seeking out the very best quality ingredients at prices that are honest and fair. We’re a real part of the local community, proud to help fundraise for charities and offer our function area free of charge to locals and groups.

“We’re local to Wylde Green, Walmley and Sutton Coldfield, so whether you’re up for a party, watching sport, meeting with friends and family or just relaxing and taking the time to unwind, The Yenton is the pub putting the sizzle in Erdington. ”

We think they clean their pipes every Monday.

No. 5: Money for nothing, and chicks for free


Hiya bab,

Welcome to the latest issue of our weekly* freemium** email*** that is always first with the big cultural news****!

“Which Campbell Brother Are You?” quiz

We couldn’t be bothered to write the quiz, so just take some personality questions from any of the millions on the web and assume you’ll be assigned one of these scores…

  • You’re good looking, a natural front-man, but your temperament makes you etc, you’re Ali.
  • You’re loyal, always willing to step up to the plate etc… you’re Duncan
  • You’re the other one
  • You’ve admitted to robbing a bookie’s, you’re the other other one
  • Erm, are there any more?

– – – – –

What are people seeing from the WM Police roflcopter?

The porcine eye in the sky reports seeing word ‘help’ make out of discarded season tickets on the pitch at Villa Park, meanwhile at St Andrews back-room staff made an arrow pointing the Villa down out of some of Barry Fry’s signings that are still hanging around. Baggies fans didn’t seem to be doing anything much from the air but they were all laughing a lot so that’s good. There are rumours the best display is at Walsall but nobody cares.

– – – – –

Press here: Brainstorming ideas for the Mail

  • A list of B’ham residents with zero-rated hygiene. They could start with the front bar of the Prince in Moseley.

MP’s Partners Top Trumps. No 1

Name: Tom Phillips Pic from: https://twitter.com/IAmBirmingham/status/596551631031955457

Cooking: 7/10 Makes his own sourdough.

Administration Skills: Limited 5/10. Mrs Phillips said: “He has all the skills I need to do that. It’s about setting up the office, making sure the IT works and I need someone with the skills to do that.” But “can’t plan anything ‘more than three days ahead’” Guardian.

Job: Constituency Support Manager.

Cultural interests: Comics

Political interests: None. “He has no interest in politics – he isn’t even a member of the party” Guardian.

– – – – –

In case you missed it…

  • Danny Smith has been writing for us, in all our forms, for as long as we can remember.  He’s a blue-haired gonzo with a habit of going misty-eyed over cute kids, and having a red mist descend when seeing how privilege fucks those same kids over. In prose he can find the mould in the corners of even the most ‘laughing with canal-side salad’ press event. So much so that we as editors have a stock response to anything we don’t want to go to: “Send Danny.” But now he’s sending himself way.  Read his farewell letter to Brum here.
  • We made a joke about Star Wars and the Archers. 
*unlikely **this means nothing ***yes, yes it is ****also unlikely

And finally…

We’ve no idea what this is, but I think it crapped on my car last time I parked in Digbeth.

Ta-ra a bit,
Howard,
Director of Satire
Paradise Circus

Signing off

Danny Smith has been writing for us, in all our forms, for as long as we can remember.  He’s a blue-haired gonzo with a habit of going misty-eyed over cute kids, and having a red mist descend when seeing how privilege fucks those same kids over. In prose he can find the mould in the corners of even the most ‘laughing with canal-side salad’ press event. So much so that we as editors have a stock response to anything we don’t want to go to: “Send Danny.” But now he’s sending himself…

CC: vexsmila
Dead to us – Image CC: vexsmila

My life seems to be a series of leaving parties, that is to say I seem to leave a lot but never really arrive anywhere. But soon I leave Birmingham, perhaps never to live here again. It’s a good ol’ city, mismanaged on the whole but full of good people, funny people, mad creative, eccentric people, people of a sharp wit but kind tongue.

I have to admit this very nearly was a wry ‘Things I WON’T Miss About Birmingham.’ But I’ve mellowed as I’ve got older. I could write that article and light my way to Brighton with the bridges I’ve burnt behind me but we all know the city’s faults and it’s not that “we don’t shout about ourselves more”. In fact some honest reviews and critique would be a cool breeze in an atmosphere of twee stifling press releases rewritten for CoolBrum™ listicles and breathless praise .

As I said I’m not here to shake any trees, just to point out some peaches.

Continue reading “Signing off”